Mental Ventilation

I'm not at all looking for pity or sympathy - let's get that clear. :) I am using this blog post as a journal. I need to just say what's on my mind and in my heart. I need to vent, get if off my chest and hopefully just get on with it and look ahead. Sometimes I feel everyone needs to "spill it". Today, whoever reads this, is my therapist, without having to actually dish any advice or give me direction. I only need to you listen and I sincerely thank you for that.

2011 is proving to be challenging. I have yet to find little reward so far. As many of you know from reading this blog, we started the year learning Zeke needed ongoing chemo treatments. We thought his last dose was December 29th and remission would be indefinite. We were advised by his doctor we should continue his treatments for best possible scenario. Meaning, if we stopped now, the chemo could be back in as little as 3-4 weeks. We always were given a 'guarded' prognosis for Zeke. Lymphoma is aggressive and incurable. We had hoped for the best we could get, maybe even a year and a half. We plugged on with more treatments and continued to go home with a happy and seemingly normal tail-less Lab! We were happy Zeke was enduring the treatments and all the while making us laugh and smile as he always did. Through our tears and heartache of knowing what lie ahead with certainty, he remained stoic and most lovable dog.

In January we decided to re-home the goats. They had been wreaking havoc on the horse's tails. The horses were more than willing participants too. The horses butted against the fence the goats came running to start chewing those once beautiful tails. I wasn't about to deal with bald tails come the summer and all the troubles that would bring to the horses. Sunburn, no fly protection, skin problems... who knows, right?! I found a very nice woman from Colorado and the goats moved into a better suited home.

Towards the end of January, the weekend before I left for my around the world journey, I had a heart to heart with Jason. With the cost of Zeke's treatments, our daily life and all the things we wanted to do with our futures, I brought up re-homing the horses. At first Jason was feeling as though I was making a quick irrational decision. I sorted my feelings openly and he began to agree. I shared that we just weren't riding enough, those boys are sitting there while life passes by - wanting more, more attention, more love, more riding, more everything. Everything just came to light at that moment. Feelings I didn't want to acknowledge for years were finally being verbalized. The horses have always been some sort of financial strain, but we loved them and kept going, making it work.

Making it work wasn't enough anymore. We had to do something. We decided we'd do what's best for them and handle it all in a month when I got back.

January 26th I left for Japan! I was so excited to see Melissa and meet the twins! The trip was amazing! The part about Melissa and the twins was fabulous! The feelings I was having about the decision Jason and I just made and how to go about all of that were more than I could bare. Thank you to my sweet, understanding sister for dealing with me and my troubles while I was there. I was a mess, crying nearly every day about this. Melissa listened, offered her support and was a wonderful shoulder to cry on and lean against. Thank you Melissa. And I am sorry all of my emotional drama consumed so much of our time together. I wish my state of mind would have been better for you and our visit. Despite the turmoil I was feeling about the horses, I did have a fantastic time in Okinawa! I saw a lot of a beautiful island. I met my niece and nephew and stay with them for a month long journey of being a first time aunt :) I hope I did ok! Jackson and Avery are adorable and loving kids, that my small 'job' easy!

While I was in Okinawa I discussed with Melissa what to do about the horses. I wanted to give them the best home and if it was with someone I knew, that would be the most perfect home! I made way around the horse world I once had in WI. Things came together and my aunt Beth and her friend Kay and I worked out the details for them to home the horses. I felt so much relief and joy about this decision to re-home the horses that all I had to do at this point was relieve myself of the guilt of giving up or feeling like I somehow failed at being a horse mom. I guess what it boils down to is that maybe realizing giving them up to a new home was the hard part. The horses actually going to the most perfect homes was the easiest part of this process. I have felt so confident and happy and just simply a weight has lifted off my chest with horses going to Beth and Kay. I have not regretted or had one inkling of a bad feeling about that. (I might also add, the horses are doing AWESOME with their new families!)

In February, while I was in Japan, the new homes had come about and been decided upon. Now delivery details needed to be finalized.

Melissa and I said goodbye for now and I emotionally left my sister and niece and nephew in Japan and made my 24 hour journey back home.

Jason picked me up from the airport Wednesday, February 23rd. The next day Jason went to work and I was as sick as never before. I spent the whole day so ill I thought I was going to die. Jason took me to the ER that night. I was badly dehydrated and couldn't keep water down. The ER gave me fluids and anit-nausea meds and I was sent home, 4 hours later. It took me almost a week to feel better and be back on my normal routine.

The next Friday, March 4th, Zeke had a chemo treatment. Jason and I had both planned to go. We had noticed earlier in the week one of his lymph nodes under his jaw was inflamed. We had a very bad feeling about the news we were going to get at this appointment.

Zeke's lymphoma had beaten another chemo drug and was in full force again. The doctor, for the first time, was not so encouraging about continuing chemo treatments. We decided to continue his steroids, no longer pursue the last chemo option and make him comfortable before the time came to say goodbye. We thought we had a few weeks, at least.

We prepared to leave for WI, horse trailer and two amazing horses in tow. We were bringing the dogs with us for a short weekend trip only to drop off the horses and take care of some other horse related business. Zeke's doctor said he was ok to take the trip if he was feeling good. He had been feeling good, the plan was to bring him.

Thursday, March 10th, Zeke turns 8! Jason and I loaded up the dogs for an early morning run at their favorite dog park for Zeke's birthday. Not long after being at the park it was clear Zeke was not well. We went home, Jason went to work. I stood vigilant over Zeke and his health declined rapidly. Jason came home that morning and we knew it was 'time'. We made arrangements with our veterinarian in Cheyenne and the crematorium. This day was coming and it was so impossible to believe it was here, now, on his birthday.

We said goodbye and a HUGE hole opened in our hearts that day.

Friday morning, March 11th, we leave our home with 2 dogs and 2 horses.

After a long drive with an over night stop at a horse motel, we arrived at Kay's barn Saturday afternoon, March 12th. It was a very nice afternoon getting the horses settled, meeting Kay and her family and seeing Beth, Uncle Mike, Jenna and Bryce.

After the grueling rush trip to and from WI, 2000+ miles, we got home Monday evening, March 14th, at 9pm. Tuesday I drove into town, with the dogs, to meet Jason for lunch, pick up Zeke's ashes and go to the dog park.

My truck started making a horrible noise on my way to Jason's work. By the time I had gotten there and parked, I could no longer even move the truck. I called our new found mechanic, and thank goodness for him, and it sounded like a wheel bearing had gone out. Just less than 10 miles after getting home the night before, from a 2000 mile trip from WI, and my wheel bearing goes out??!!

The truck was towed to the mechanic, me in tears, Vinnie and Cheeto with me, pick up Zeke's ashes and head home.

My truck cost us $350 in towing and repairs. I thank whoever is in charge of this universe that that bearing waited to go out AFTER we were home and AFTER we were no longer pulling the horse trailer with the horses!!! I don't even want to think about what could have happened!

Nonetheless, it was ONE more thing... ONE more thing that I thought was going to put me over the edge. As if everything else wasn't ENOUGH, I had ONE more thing to deal with. My truck was out of service for a day and half with the mechanic. Meanwhile my boss calls, time to get your yearly drug test and paperwork done - which means, back to work any time now...

Sunday March 20th we went out to clean the horse pasture of manure one last time. We decided to take some fencing materials we no longer need to Norm's barn. Jason opens the service door as I proceed, arms full of wire, to walk in. Stunned, I see Paint, Norm's ol horse and Flint and Black's ol buddy, standing in the storage area of the barn. There was loose hay and manure everywhere inside. There is a camper, a truck, a tractor, hay, grain and bunch of other misc things stored in there. And now, there stood Paint. Looking somewhat relieved his rescue was eminent. Jason went to Norm and Linda's house to tell them. No one was home. We let Paint out, he drank a good 10 gallons of water and we cleaned the barn. It looked to me Paint had been in there since the previous day. The service door must not have gotten shut and Paint went in, trapping himself when the door latched behind him. Thankfully, he had not gotten into the grain.

I called Norm that night. He and Linda were in Missouri. He had a friend feeding Paint every other day while they were gone. Norm said he didn't want to impose on us. We had always traded horses care favors and now, us without horses, left Norm with no way of paying us back any favors. I told him I would take of Paint the rest of the week. Paint is no trouble for us and he is now a welcomed "chore". Norm thanked us greatly for saving Paint's life. He would have been in there another night, with out water and left to his own intentions if he had found the grain bin! Some times things happen at the perfect time for the perfect reason they need to. Us finding the horses a home was perfect timing and the perfect situation. Us cleaning up and wondering over to Norm's barn to find Paint...

Tuesday March 22nd, back to work. I worked the rest of that week. I went to work yesterday (Monday March 28th). On my home from work, my battery light came on in Chevy and the battery gauge was lower than normal. I went and had the battery tested, I needed a new battery, cha-ching $100. This morning, I drive work, everything is ok with the truck, but it snowed 3 inches last night, so no work today. I start my truck to drive home. Battery light comes on again and the gauge is low the whole way home. It's now 720am. I'm home, waiting until 8am to call the mechanic. "could be a couple things" he says. I bring my truck in. It gets a new alternator and $260 later I'm back on the road. Really?! Perfect timing...

Here I am now, venting. I don't know what lies ahead. Jason and I are slowly downsizing, getting rid of crap we don't need and looking for a new house to rent. We no longer need this horse property. It's lonely here. I don't really miss the horses. I'm being honest, I really feel they are so much better where they are that I have no guilt, no regret or second thoughts on the matter. It is very strange to not see them in the back yard anymore. That part is a little sad, but it's better it's sad for me and not sad for them - standing there, waiting...

I miss Zeke with no words to explain. I just miss him! He was such an enormous presence in our lives that I have no way to describe life without him. It's too quiet and it sucks.

Thankfully Vinnie and little miss Cheeto are trying their best to fill the void thats been left. They feel our hearts aching and wag and smile and try. I love our dogs with everything I am. I am glad we went through chemo with Zeke. I am happy we had 6 more months with him. He was happy and he made sure we were too while he was with us. Thank you Zeke! I can't ever repay your memory for everything you gave us.

I sit here balling my eyes out. This loss is horrible. I hate it.

Back to work, I am sure, tomorrow. Back to life as we know it now and get used it's changes.

I won't lie, it's been really hard. At the same time, although I have my breakdowns, I'm doing alright.

Thanks for listening.

jess